My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
