i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
God, I missed his penis.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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