I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
