It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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