No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just googled if crying burns calories
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
