I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
