did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
