I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
