and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
