My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
