I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
third nipple confirmed
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
