The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
