you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
