why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
