Nicole vs. Life
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
