Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
