I think I died a long time ago.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
