Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize