"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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