My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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