Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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