Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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