Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
