I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
