that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
only you would photoshop your dick
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I forget how to act sober
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
