you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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