It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
