Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
