quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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