Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize