Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I intend to get homeless drunk
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
