Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
