i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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