ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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