i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
