Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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