me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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