I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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