my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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