If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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