Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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