Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
