i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
