false alarm. still invincible.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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