I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize