yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I need a beard to bite.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
