I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
