I will probably be peed on at some point today.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
