I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
