Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
