I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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