I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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