If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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