If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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