her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
