My nipple is on Facebook.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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