Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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